(Don't worry there are pictures at the end of this rant.) February was a bit of a hard month for the Andreasens. I know this blog generally documents the kids, but I would still like to document life as it is - real and sometimes hard.
The first Sunday in February I had a panic attack while playing the organ at church. It was out of the blue and very scary. After relaxing that day, I hoped that it was a one time fluke, but instead I started spiraling downward. Within a week I was in full anxiety/depressed mode. Crying constantly, dizzy, sick to my stomach, scared to go anywhere, melt downs constantly. It was one of the worst feelings I've ever had. I went to the doctor, but only after having a full blown melt down in the parking lot, completely unable to get out of my car. After praying like crazy I finally was able to walk inside. I was prescribed some medication and left feeling a bit better, mostly just due to knowing I had done something to help myself.
A couple days later the kids came down with the worst stomach flu we have ever had in this house. Throwing up simultaneously for 3 days! It did NOT help my emotional/mental status at all, if anything it made it worse. Finally they got better and the next couple weeks were up and down. Some days were ok, but other days were horrible. I felt so out of control and hopeless. I had so little motivation and my poor kids were basically left to their own devices while I sat on the couch trying to force myself to do anything. Even on my good days I could only get the basics done and still had an underlying tension and sadness. However, I must say, that even during these hard weeks. I had many tender mercies. Mark was home for a 3 day weekend the days the kids were sick, my brother visited days after my initial panic attack, my mom came a week after my anxiety diagnosis and was a great help, my dad was able to schedule a trip to visit while Mark was out of town, friends called at the right time, and all sorts of little things I know were not merely coincidences.
After a few weeks of this I started to make improvements. I can't take the credit at all. The medicine may have started working a bit, but I also started doing the things that I knew would make me better. I started by reading a book about beating depression and then decided to really turn it all over to the Lord. I had prayed like crazy before, but I had never taken any of the responsibility into my own hands. I just cried that He would take it away. With the help of the book I realized that He would help me improve, along with my medication, as I worked to learn how I could improve myself. It was a joint effort. I began daily reading talks from our church leaders on hope, courage, the Atonement, faith, joy, etc, reading my scriptures daily, and writing down my thoughts while I read in a journal. My prayers changed from "save me" to "teach me how I can help myself and what I can't do, please do for me. Take me further than I can alone." Things changed drastically at this point. I feel I have learned a lot and am learning new ways to control my thoughts and change how I think. I still have harder days, but I feel much, much better! I have started doing preschool with Tyler and have gotten into a pretty regular schedule. I am slowly doing things that scared me last month and even played the organ last Sunday successfully. Part of me is afraid this is just an "up" in a series of ups and downs. While that may be true, at least I am learning coping strategies for a possible "down" time and I know that this won't last forever. I try not to look too far ahead at the moment as it can seem daunting. I don't know how long it will take me to find the right medication or combination of medications and I don't know how long it will take me to fully heal and recover. I know that this may be something I fight my whole life, but I am confident I can get to a point where its not constantly on my mind or a constant struggle. I look forward to that point, but in the meantime, I plan to live in the moment and do all I can to find joy in my journey!
Phew! Now on to the pictures.
My handsome brother visited for a few days. It was so nice to have him here while I was feeling so vulnerable!
Clara and Tyler work on Tyler's bike
One of Tyler's first preschool projects
One day I was craving some sugary carbs and found an easy recipe for churros on pinterest. It was a hit! The kids LOOOOVED them! Totally not good for you, but worth it every once in a while.
A play date with friends isn't a play date until you eat goldfish
Bath time cuties!
Tyler playing in his tent from grandma L
Obviously not much happened in February, due to my mental/emotional issues, but we did still have fun and I'm just thankful that, above all, we are healthy and safe and together!
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